Two Weeks Later...

So it's been a little over two weeks since the surgery, and I finally feel like I can update this a bit.

Surgery went well.  I haven't had a lot of pain.  Honestly the worst pain I had was in the back of my head and for two weeks no one could tell me why that was.  It was a spot about an inch high and two to three inches wide and I couldn't stand for anyone to touch it.  Yesterday I was rubbing that spot and realized I had ALL new hair growth there!  At some point during surgery it seems they pulled a whole ponytail out of the back of my hair. I can't figure what that was about.  Oh well, it'll all be falling out in a few weeks anyway. 

The first news when I woke up after surgery was NOT what I hoped to hear - they had found cancer in the two lymph nodes they tested during surgery.  I had hoped and prayed that the lymph nodes would be clear.  Because those two had cancer in them, they took the others out for additional testing.  What that means is ANOTHER week of waiting for test results....and a lot of scary thoughts in the days in between.  When you know they only tested two and both were positive you begin to think well, they'll probably all be positive.

I spent the next three days after surgery worrying about the possible results and what it would mean next.  I also had some wonderful friends who visited and did their best to keep my mind occupied and off the dreaded Big C and what it might mean down the road.

Dr. Telepun released me from the hospital on Friday evening and after waiting a couple of hours to get discharged - they asked me if I wanted to just walk out of the hospital rather than wait for a wheelchair.  I said SURE!  So we walked out of the hospital, got in the van and drove toward a new normal for our family.

In her room.

Teresa is in her room (515), and settled in. Still a little woozy, but not in pain. Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers.
Sent from my iPhone

Finished!

Teresa is out of surgery and in recovery. Dr. Telepun said the reconstruction went very well and she was already waking up. If everything goes as planned,Teresa should come home Friday afternoon.

Sent from my iPhone

Halfway There!

Dr Buckner has finished the mastectomies and said everything went well. He believes he got all of it. Dr Telepun has started the reconstruction. It should be another 2 to 3 hours until Teresa is out of surgery. I will post again when she gets out of surgery.

Sent from my iPhone

And so it begins

This is Teresa's husband, Tim. Teresa just went back into surgery. The surgery should take 5-6 hours. I will try to update again as soon as I know anything more. Thank you all for your prayers.

Sent from my iPhone

Made it to the hospital - 2

Instead of spending the morning in a waiting room, Tim and my parents will be in an outpatient room (#277) for the duration of the surgery. The nurse just informed us that Dr. Telepun likes to have his patients families in a room...so maybe it will be little more comfortable for them than sitting in the general waiting area.

Countdown to the big day.

So it's my last night with the killer boobs.  I'm not sure exactly how I feel about that part of this journey.  It's honestly the least worrisome part of it all.  The scarier part is after they're removed...what next?

In the past 10 days I've had every emotion imaginable. I've been angry and rebellious - getting my first ever tattoo, and pink highlights in my blonde hair.  I've tried to find the places to laugh (asking Dr. Telepun if I could store paperclips on the magnets in my tissue expanders - he didn't laugh) and tried really hard not to cry too much.  I've learned that I have some of the greatest friends a girl could ever want and sometimes the family you create for yourself out of love and trust really can fill in the gaps when you don't have siblings.

I've learned that new friends can hold your hand over the phone and give you a sense of peace for the first time in many days with a simple, heartfelt prayer.  Old friends can help hold you up in prayer and show you how much they love and care for  you by allowing you to spend a couple of hours on a Sunday afternoon in the warmth of their home.  There are those friends that are far away . - but always near a phone and willing to listen. There are the ones you work with and spend much of your waking hours with - who make the best cheerleaders and comforters.

I am grateful for every one of you.  You all have helped make the past days easier to get through and I love you for being patient with my rants, tears and fears. The ones of you that have prayed with me and for me mean so very much.

I have spent several mornings reading a book by Stormie O'Martian called Just Enough Light for the Step I'm on.   It speaks directly to where I am right now.  I've struggled with my relationship with God in recent years and prayed that God would help me find a way through my anger and frustration back to him.  Now having to trust that God will put me in the right place and guide my steps over the coming days, weeks and months I believe has put me on that path.  I had such a good conversation with a sweet friend this morning about how at different times everyone struggles with this.  It helped me put things into perspective.

That said, I'd like to close this post with the text from the first page of this book:
Sometimes only the step I'm on, or the very next one ahead, is all that is illuminated for me.  God gives me just the amount of light I need for the exact moment I need it. At those times I walk in surrender to faith, unable to see the future and not fully comprehending the past.  And because God has given me what light I have, I know I must reject the fear and doubt that threaten to overtake me.  I must determine to be content where I am, and allow God to get me where I need to go. I walk forward one strep at a time, fully trusting that the light God sheds is absolutely sufficient. 

Tomorrow is another step....the next step will depend on how the mastectomy and lymph node dissections go.

Yes, I know the war is just getting started

I realized today that I titled this blog "My Boobs TRIED to Kill Me", as if it were in the past, over and done.  I know this is a war I've just entered and my intention is to win it.  Battle #1 takes place Tuesday and is the mastectomy, reconstruction and lymph node dissections.  Battle #2 will depend on what the results of the lymph node dissection is.

This is for the long haul and I know that.  There's not a day that goes by that I don't realize I have to find a new "normal".  It started on Friday, February 17 and until the end of my life I will always be referred to as either having cancer or being "cancer-free". In either case, the word cancer is permanently tied to me from here on out.  And while I do realize the cancer could ultimately win and take my life - so could driving to work every day.  (did you see the idiots on Highway 31 last week when I-65 was closed and detoured through Hartselle? - I rest my case.)  For now, I'll continue to use the past tense that they TRIED to kill me, but haven't succeeded.  

How did I get here?

So why a blog?  Well, I'm having a double mastectomy on Tuesday and we were trying to come up with a good way for Tim to let a rather long list of people know how things were going before, during and after surgery. I looked at some of those sites like CaringBridge but they all seemed so serious.  Yes, I know...breast cancer IS serious.  But that doesn't mean there can't be at least a bit of smirk to go with it - right?

So I decided I'd just start a blog and Tim can login to it and update it on Tuesday. In the mean time I can explain what's going on and how I got here. 

Over the past couple of months I've had some occasional breast soreness. I didn't think much of it since it seemed to follow along with my monthly cycle and I'm getting oh so close to the age at which women go through "the change" that I figured stuff was just starting to break.  As far as self exams go, I do those, but it's rather difficult since I had a breast reduction about 19 years ago and have a lot of scar tissue - there's just lots of lumps and bumps and it's hard to discern what is new and what's normal.

I decided to call my surgeon, Dr. Buckner and schedule a mammogram since I was about 8 months late getting my annual one.  I went in to see him on Wednesday, February 8 and he did an ultrasound of the lump I'd found in my left breast and said he didn't feel it was anything to be concerned about, but wanted an updated mammogram and then we'd do another ultrasound to be sure.  The mammogram was on Monday, February 13. 

Mammograms seem to be some sort of punishment that were designed by satan himself.  I can only imagine that if this was the only method to find out if a man had testicular cancer - well, they would have found a better way by now.  I always find it odd that they get you all wedged into that thing, get you clamped down and say "don't move" - exactly where might I wander off to - shirtless and minus one boob?  Anyway, the lady performing the mammogram seemed particularly concerned about how soon I might be going back to the doctor and that was enough for me to call and immediately schedule an appointment to review the results with Dr. Buckner.

I saw Dr. Buckner again on Wednesday, February 15 - he said both he and the radiologist felt like I had breast cancer. He performed a needle biopsy and I left his office and sat in my car and cried like I hadn't cried in years.  A million things going through my head, and at this point it hadn't even been confirmed.  Dr. Buckner called me on Friday, February 17 and confirmed that the lump was ductal carcinoma....breast cancer.

Dr. Buckner told me I had three surgical options - lumpectomy, mastectomy with or without reconstruction. I told him I had decided on a double mastectomy with reconstruction at the same time. He assured me he would get me in with the plastic surgeon, Dr. Telepun as soon as possible. Within an hour his nurse called me to confirm an appointment with Dr. Telepun on Monday, February 20.

I spent that afternoon telling my parents and trying to decide if I was more angry, sad or scared. At dinner that night I settled on angry and decided to get a tattoo.  Tim and I looked at a couple of tattoo shops that night and I didn't find anything I liked particularly well in the pink ribbon category - they were all sort of one dimensional and ugly. So I came home tattoo-less that Friday night.
 
I saw Dr. Telepun on Monday and we talked through the options for reconstruction, settling on a procedure using tissue expanders that would later be replaced by implants.  By Tuesday we had a surgery date and since then I've met with both surgeons again to confirm the plans.

Just in case you're not keeping up with the timeline...My first appointment with Dr. Buckner was on a Wednesday,  less than 3 weeks later I'll be boob-less and hopefully cancer-free.