So it's my last night with the killer boobs. I'm not sure exactly how I feel about that part of this journey. It's honestly the least worrisome part of it all. The scarier part is after they're removed...what next?
In the past 10 days I've had every emotion imaginable. I've been angry and rebellious - getting my first ever tattoo, and pink highlights in my blonde hair. I've tried to find the places to laugh (asking Dr. Telepun if I could store paperclips on the magnets in my tissue expanders - he didn't laugh) and tried really hard not to cry too much. I've learned that I have some of the greatest friends a girl could ever want and sometimes the family you create for yourself out of love and trust really can fill in the gaps when you don't have siblings.
I've learned that new friends can hold your hand over the phone and give you a sense of peace for the first time in many days with a simple, heartfelt prayer. Old friends can help hold you up in prayer and show you how much they love and care for you by allowing you to spend a couple of hours on a Sunday afternoon in the warmth of their home. There are those friends that are far away . - but always near a phone and willing to listen. There are the ones you work with and spend much of your waking hours with - who make the best cheerleaders and comforters.
I am grateful for every one of you. You all have helped make the past days easier to get through and I love you for being patient with my rants, tears and fears. The ones of you that have prayed with me and for me mean so very much.
I have spent several mornings reading a book by Stormie O'Martian called Just Enough Light for the Step I'm on. It speaks directly to where I am right now. I've struggled with my relationship with God in recent years and prayed that God would help me find a way through my anger and frustration back to him. Now having to trust that God will put me in the right place and guide my steps over the coming days, weeks and months I believe has put me on that path. I had such a good conversation with a sweet friend this morning about how at different times everyone struggles with this. It helped me put things into perspective.
That said, I'd like to close this post with the text from the first page of this book:
Sometimes only the step I'm on, or the very next one ahead, is all that is illuminated for me. God gives me just the amount of light I need for the exact moment I need it. At those times I walk in surrender to faith, unable to see the future and not fully comprehending the past. And because God has given me what light I have, I know I must reject the fear and doubt that threaten to overtake me. I must determine to be content where I am, and allow God to get me where I need to go. I walk forward one strep at a time, fully trusting that the light God sheds is absolutely sufficient.
Tomorrow is another step....the next step will depend on how the mastectomy and lymph node dissections go.
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